“Uh, huh. OK. Mmmm-Hmm. I’m going to stop you right here - did you put the disk in the tray? The tray. No, Ma’am, there’s no cup-holder on it, that’s where the CDs go. Uh huh, you’re welcome!”

“Hello, Tech Support, How May I Help You?
You say… no keys? There are no keys on your keyboard? You mean like somebody pried them off? Are you sure it’s your keyboard we’re talking about, not maybe a motherboard? You’re sure you don’t have it confused with something else? OK, is it right-side-up? That’s… yes, that’s… uh huh, well it’s always good to check these things. You’re welcome!”

“Hello, Tech Support, How May I Help You?
Nope, that’s a virus going around. Check with Norton.com, they flagged it this morning. No, wait, don’t click on it! Oh, I said not to… Hello? Hello? Are you still there? *sigh* Dammit! *click*”

“Hello, Tech Support, How May I Help You?
No, sir, we cannot change your password remotely. You say it’s been changed and you don’t remember what it is? No, you never knew what it was? Mmmm-hmmm. Oh, I see. Did you see what keys the cat’s paws landed on? No, no luck, huh? Here, let me pass you to the supervisor for that one.”

“Hello, Tech Support, How May I Help You?
There’s no way that I could know that. No, I can’t just *hack in and check*. It’s not even my job to tell you… Does it have a bar at the bottom of the screen? Is there a button on the left end of it? Is the logo there square or round? Square is Windows. You’re running Windows, ma’am. Next time, you need to call Microsoft tech support. OK, have a good day.”

“Hello, Tech Support, How May I Help You?
A snowsuit. Let me get you my supervisor so he can tell you what he’s wearing, too!”

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