Hi, I’m running for the President of Computers! Vote for me, and I promise to:

Remove the ‘forward’ button from every email client.

You should never forward email. Ever. In the history of ever. Not even if it will save the world. The world doesn’t want to be saved that way. Also, everybody doesn’t love you when you forward them this funny thing you found. The exception is, of course, sharing the hilarious and pithy wisdom of the premium content to be found on that pinnacle of website perfection which is askreamaor.com.

Remove the CAPSLOCK key from every keyboard.

Why do we still have to tell people this? It must be that Caps-Lock, like the One True Ring, has a will of its own that will not be thwarted. It’s always there just to the left of your pinkie, whispering “Use me! Abuse me!” with an evil hiss. Yes, just thinking about it makes me want to HIT IT RIGHT NOW AND RIDE, BABY RIDE, BECAUSE IT’S CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL! You see? We have to take that thing out. Even Oprah fell for it. It’s like having a wetbar built into the dashboard of every car.

While I’m at it, I would ban Oprah.

Oprah is the female equivalent of Ron Paul. She amasses a huge cult that will do anything she asks, but it’s all composed of cheeseheads who couldn’t think for themselves if you set them on fire and handed them a garden hose. Look, now all of the readers of this site who also follow Oprah will never come back, just because I said this. You see?

Outlaw the ‘NSFW’ tag.

Once upon a time, a real employee of an actual company noticed a link that unexpectedly led to a booby picture (we think it might have been this one), and politely asked the poster to state that it was so. The ‘NSFW’ (Not Safe For Whiners) tag was born. “Oh ho!”, said the Web Trolls Union (local 549), “We can make people attach this tag to anything we complain about! And so they spread out, starting flamewars over every single post on every single site. Everything can be argued that it is indecent to someone, for every possible ridiculous purpose. Forget it! The whole Internet is NSFW. It’s the web; take your chances!

Every web page would have to pass a bench test for load speed, with a cap on memory.

So, these are really good ideas, aren’t they? Aren’t you glad you’re reading them now, instead of waiting for the page to still load while staring at your spinning mouse pointer?

ISPs would make you take an IQ test to join.

Various countries have licenses for everything else. Driving, building, marriage, fishing… An Internet license! One with a test, where you’d have to study a little book, and then pass a little multi-choice quiz. You’d have more web safety, fewer spam, bot, and malware attacks, maybe even people who at least knew some rules of etiquette exist, even if they forget them two minutes after their first click.

See what a better world I can make? cast your vote in the comments.

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