Five Reasons We Can’t Wait For Adobe To Die

Posted by: Rea Maor In: Misc - Friday, May 28th, 2010

#1. Their jerkoff name.

For those of you who aren’t from the South-Western United States, “adobe” is a kind of mud brick used in making buildings in Mexico and South America. It’s definitely something for poor people to do. Years after the style arose out of necessity, somebody became determined to turn it into an art form, right about the time, oh, I dunno, they realized that they’d killed off the entire race which invented that form of architecture. So right away, the company picked this previously dirt(literally!)-poor third-world innovation turned painfully-snobby arty icon and made it their name. Adobe. It screams “hipster!” You might as well have named it “Pabst Blue Ribbon Systems.”

#2. PDF is pure evil between two slices of evil.

The most basic form of communication known to humanity is the written document. It’s been around since, well, recorded history, in the form of papyrus scrolls. And for centuries, writing was an equal-opportunity medium. If you wrote it, any literate person could read it. It could be copied, shared, translated, and edited indefinitely. Even chiseling letter shapes onto rocks is at least feasible. Until Adobe came along, nobody had figured out a way to wrap 100 megabytes of useless crap around 5 kilobytes of text and make opening and editing it a pain in the ass and make it a security risk for any computer you were reading it on and make the experience of reading feel as unnatural as eating dinner while gripping the fork with your feet. But PDF did that. It’s a technology miracle.

#3. Flash isn’t even evil. It’s a plot to make the universe explode in hate.

Not only is Flash the most irritating thing about using the Internet, by popular complaint, but it’s not even theirs. They bought it when they acquired Macromedia, back when it was a relatively harmless animated screensaver demo. And it wasn’t even Macromedia’s either. Macromedia bought FutureWave Software, which had Flash as FutureSplash Animator. Way back in 1993, FutureSplash was a husband and wife team making software to animate SVG graphics to make cute little cartoons. You know how you do that now without Flash? It’s called “Javascript.” So we have a super-top-secret proprietary technology that’s nothing but free technology stolen and guarded by lawyers, which is then pushed on everyone to make life crappy. Swell!

#4. Photoshop is literally the curse of the graphics world.

Phtoshop produces nothing but crap. Yes, people think they can make art with Potoshop, and the people who do that are the same ones who could make better art without Photoshop. Photoshop does not help; it gets in the way. Not to mention that, similar to the saga above for Flash, Photoshop started out as shareware bundled with a printer, doing the same graphics that anyone else could do but with a stupider interface. Thank you, that will be $900, and you’ll have to pay all over again when our next “upgrade” rolls around.

#5. They have the nerve to start crap with Apple.

We know Apple’s no hero, certainly not in these pages, but still Apple is the virtue of Venus compared to the best thing that Adobe has ever done (which is to not exist for the first 6,000 years of recorded history). When Apple started barking at Adobe, Adobe belongs on the floor, at Apple’s feet, cow-towing and genuflecting and offering psalms of praise. Instead, Adobe management spewed their usual hate befitting a company run by Cthulhu and took their Flash and went home, which made Apple sigh in relief and go ahead with the open HTML5 that will show the world just what a shameful rip-off Flash was the whole time.


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One Response to “Five Reasons We Can’t Wait For Adobe To Die”

  1. John Says:

    I can do nothing but agree with you. Well said, sir.

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