Massively-Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games offer the opportunity for a top-quality adventuring experience for the hard-core gamer. But with your help, it can become Hell on Earth. Which is exactly what most of these basement-dwelling dweebs need more of, anyway.
1. Use only a 56K dial-up connection. Join games promiscuously.
2. Constantly ask other players if they want to barter equipment. Ask for their Level 78 armor in exchange for your +1 Rusty Dagger of Wound Snail.
3. Babble at everybody: “Wouldn’t it be cool if we could change the decor in here? You know, like in the Sims?” In fact, bring the Sims up as often as possible. Stop in the middle of a quest to say that it’s time for your character to catch their car pool to work, and so on.
4. Have an obnoxiously slutty female name and play a female character while being a dude. Let other players hit on you only to laugh and call them a fag for hitting on what is obviously a male.
5. Hang around in town and while other players are buying new equipment, go up to them and ask where the bathroom is.
6. Insist the entire time that you just wandered in from Second Life. Ask where the titty bars are.
7. In the midst of battle, start a game of tag.
8. Play the opposite of your character class. Example, play a warrior and then hang out at the back of your party continuously casting the one wimpy spell you know. Or play a cleric, and then charge into the lead of every melee attack.
9. Stop other players who are attacking monsters by telling them you’re a member of PETA here to prevent cruelty to goblins and orcs.
10. Play a high-level sorceress, but every time somebody in your party asks that you actually use your magic, make up a Wiccan-sounding excuse like “My crystals needed re-salting” or “My star-sign was out of alignment.” Act offended if they scoff, pointing out that they don’t know what it’s like to be a REAL sorceress.
11. Offer to be the host, but then spend 45 minutes debating which map to play before you start the game.
12. Make up your own language in chat mode. Act appalled that the other players aren’t hip enough to know what the words you’re using mean. Send them Googling for acronyms that don’t exist.
13. Continuously ask other players to run errands for you, like running back to town for a mana potion. Offer to tip them with a scroll of light for the trouble.
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