Just how much madder do our gadgets have to make us? It turns out, not nearly mad enough. Researchers won’t be happy until we’re just curled up in a ball on the floor screaming. They’re already thinking of ways to make them aggravating on a level equal to wearing a hair shirt and cheese-grater shoes while taking a cold shower and living next door to a neighbor who lets their dogs bark all the time.
First, mobile phones have to cry like babies. We are not making this up! a Japanese researcher has created a ringtone that he says is like a crying baby. What’s worse is that he did this in an effort to make women’s boobs bigger. Apparently, simply walking around with a wand pointing it at random women on the street and yelling “Alacazam presto! Become bigger!” at their boobs wasn’t working. Which is funny, because that always works for me.
So you can see if you’ve taken an international flight and been stuck on a plane surrounded by crying babies, you can see how well this works out. The sound is so soothing, isn’t it? So now the Japanese, who have their phones go off 20 to 40 times per day according to the article (probably their boyfriends asking “Are your boobs bigger yet?”) are going to be surrounded constantly by this sound, and then real babies won’t even be able to get any attention. They’ll have to vibrate when they’re hungry or need to be changed.
Which won’t matter anyway, when they’re all surrounded by flying Humvees. Yes, apparently, Humvees, which aren’t nearly irritating enough, are being fitted for flight gear. These hell-spawned machines are supposed to be ready in 2015, which gives us just less than five short years to get ready to have our skies filled with thundering ugly Army trucks. Just look at the skills of your average Humvee driver and then say to yourself, “What that guy needs is an additional way to be a danger to himself and everyone else, like crashing from a height of 10,000 feet!”
All of which pales in comparison with toilets that are so difficult to use that it takes special training to use them! That’s the story with astronaut’s toilets according to NASA. “We wanted to just have them squat on newspaper like a puppy!” siad the NASA spokesperson, “And then the turd would just float around the cabin afterwards while we all pointed and laughed ‘Ha ha! There’s no gravity in space!’ but then the astronauts stopped falling for that one so we had to take it to the next level.” The new method of being irritating is to make doing your business the most complicated thing you could possibly do on a spaceship. It took Albert Einstein to come up with a formula for a theory of whether it could be used at all, and then just when he was about to write it down, his phone interrupted him with the sound of a crying baby and his boobs shot right out of his shirt, which explains why all existing photos of him today are from the neck up.
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