The biggest let-down of the Information Age is that it didn’t lead to as much enlightenment as we’d hoped. Yes, the Internet is the fastest way to transmit knowledge, but it’s even better at transmitting bullshit. When too many people believe the same bullshit, a cult forms, and then you have this little pocket of society going forward which segregates itself from the rest of the comparatively saner world.

Most of these are harmless enough - go ahead and believe in a flat Earth or Loch Ness lizards, that’s fine by me. But some cults get so large, loud, and obnoxious that you start to wish for a nuke-it-from-orbit dose of napalm. Here, the worst of them all:

Scientology The big show is over, guys! We all now know that Scientology is a big money scam by a failed science fiction writer based on loony space stuff. The Wikileaks website alone has like dozens of documents about what a foaming-insane bunch of whackos Scientology is and how they keep trying to be Big Brother and control all the information out there. Give it up, Scientology! Everybody hates you!

The Stupid Mask Cult But the last link of the last paragraph reminds me of a new cult just forming. If I got my wish to burn Scientologists at the stake, I’d use these bozos for the kindling. I’m talking about the (Ron Paul/ Ayn Rand/ Guy Fawkes/ Alan Moore) cult. Whatever it is, they’re running around in these stupid “V for Vendetta” masks, all showing the world what radical anti-establishment free thinkers they are by basing their life philosophy on an obscure comic book and buying a mask off the shelf at Walmart.

Not one of them is older than 17, and they are all white, American, middle-class, the children of upper-class parents, retarded, speed typists, and masturbating at least 8 times per day. For your information, Ayn Rand was a herion addict in drag, Guy Fawkes is a myth, Ron Paul is Marshall Applewhite with a new agent, and Alan Moore is L. Ron Hubbard without the artistic skill. You aren’t fooling anybody by protesting Scientology (because you hate competition?) either; you’re two pots calling each other’s kettles black. Get out of your disgusting smelly basement and get a job!

Duneians and Goreans Speaking of basing your life on bad fiction: first we had the most boring series of junk pulp science fiction novels ever, the Dune series. The fact that the only movie about them was made by certified-weirdo David Lynch and was a box-office disaster should tip you off to how retarded they are. But, not content to celebrate a space opera about a war-torn hellhole of a desert wasteland shaped by the struggle for control of a limited resource (hence romanticizing the wars of the Middle East), the Dune-cult had to splinter off to form the Gor series of even crappier space opera focused on kinky sex.

Together, they’ve gone on with a franchise that has spawned some of the most repugnant novel sequels in history, including Violated Choirboys of Dune, Erectile Dysfunctions of Gor, Chicken Soup for the Kajira’s Soul, Welfare Recipients of Dune, and Men are from Arrakis/ Women Run Away From Us So We Don’t Know Where They’re From. You know, the rest of us manage to get laid without having to create a complete universe of boring-yet-twisted sci-fi mysticism around it.

Suicidal Emos The Emos were harmless enough at first. Heck, I’d even be willing to go drinking with them some time, as long as they let me curb-stomp them afterwards to give them something to be ‘emo’ about. But then they got so many kids so deep into it, that they actually quit play-cutting themselves and started actually freaking killing themselves. Apparently, somebody Twittered “8*( X” and it got misinterpreted as “now it is time to slash your wrists”. Hey, anybody could make the mistake. Now, can the rest of us try to at least get a second opinion before following orders from the Internet?

Mormons/LDS Of course, Christ-based religions only monopolized the concept of a power-and-money-grabbing cult several hundred years before L. Ron Hubbard came along, but the Morons Mormons were beginning to settle for owning all the casinos in the world and staying out of the news. But Holy Moses on a Pogo Stick, what the heck is going on in Texas? The same state the U.S. gets its president from, which also gave us the Branch Davidians a while back, now has this big Mormon child sex cult getting busted with hundreds of members in yet another compound. And I’m not kidding about the child sex - I believe it is there in their holy book, Testament of FLDS 1:1 “We’re Baby Rapers. And proud of it!”

So that explains why all the women from the compound are freaky-deformed brainwashed incest survivors with Beevis-and-Butthead foreheads and dressed in Stepford Wife outfits. Since then they’ve been raising hell to get their kids back because the men are getting horny, and as one of the mommies was quoted, “I’ll just die if I don’t get this recipe!” So get off the web, Mormon cult! You’re creeping and grossing everybody out!

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