Somebody finally asked: Mac and Linux users have their fanatics and fanboys, but where are the Windows cultists?

Incredibly odd, because when you ask any non-Microsoft user why they use this or that platform, they’ll rave on for hours about all the great features they love. Ask a Microsoft user why they use Microsoft and get flat, monotone responses: “It’s a standard.” “It’s what everybody else uses.” “My job makes me use it.” “It came installed.” “What, there’s something else?”

Well, now, if L. Ron Hubbard can make up his own religion, why can’t Microsoft users? This will be a piece of cake! We’ll show those uppity Mac and Linux geeks that anything they can do, we can do better!

Hear ye, listen in faith to the pillars of Microsoftism:

1. Bill Gates invented the computer. All these claims of other computers that happened before him are just evil rumors spread by the Antigates, in a conspiracy to rig the contents of encyclopedias and college textbooks to steal The Master’s rightful due.
2. There is but one Gates, and Ballmer is his profit. And no, I did not misspell “prophet”.
3. All you need is Microsoft software, with perhaps a side order of Adobe, since the Oracle forecasts that Adobe is a future Microsoft acquisition anyway. Any other companies besides those two producing software are just getting in the way.
4. There is no “Microsoft Tax” on hardware. There is, however, a tithe, which some of us pay cheerfully.
5. Three times per day shalt though kneel upon a mouse pad facing in the direction of Redmond, Washington, to offer up prayers.
6. Thou shalt cheerfully welcome viruses upon thy hard drive. They are in fact blessings from our Lord of the Internet, being an opportunity to partake of a sacrament. For performing this sacrament, the Holy Windows Install Disk shall be kept framed upon the wall, and the product activation code shall be written upon thy arm.
7. Thou shalt burn thy old hardware as sacrifice upon buying new hardware. Every time you release an old computer in working order to the world, you give another Linux user a brand new system.
8. Blue screens are not system errors, since the idea that a Microsoft product can commit an error is blasphemy. Instead, they are a scolding from our Spiritual Force for committing a grave offense upon our altars. Reboot the altar, say three “Hail Bill”s, and wash your hands.

We’re a bible and a funny hat away from making it official! I can’t wait to get a tax break for being a religion. How about it, Windows users, you want to get in on some of this?

Related Posts:

• The Ten Commandments of Blogging
• More of Bill Gates’ Legacy - a Link List
• Things We’re Tired of Hearing from Windows Users
• Other People With An Axe To Grind Against Linux
• The Myth of Fanboys