New Rules Just For Programmers

Posted by: Rea Maor In: Programming - Saturday, July 19th, 2008

Being one of the geek/coder lot, I was going to be nice to the programmers. Especially the ones who blog. After all, there’s no reason to be embarrassed at the nauseating ignorance of another – no one speaks for all of us, and it shouldn’t reflect on me. But after reading some of the sites which commit these crimes against logic, my eyes began to water, and I decided enough was enough.

Stop with the Go analogies! Stop! Stop! Stop! Anybody who writes a blog post comparing some aspect of the Asian game of Go with some aspect of computer programming has just demonstrated how ignorant they are of both topics at the same time. Just because two things lend themselves to complexity does not make them the same thing!

If you code Visual Basic, just lie and say you use something else. Save me the trouble of having this conversation: Me:”So, what do you code?” You:”Visual Basic.” Me:”Oh… uh…” (hold back vomit), “um, I mean” (God, how does he stand it?) “that’s an” (insane) “interesting career choice.” (eeewwwwww!) Just say you use C# or something – you’ll be able to bluff your way through at any conversation at bar level. The rest of us don’t jump up in a crowd and scream “Hey everybody! I have SEX with MONKEYS!”, do we? Keep Visual Basic in the closet where it belongs.

Stop bringing up Brainf***. Brainf*** is that dumb programming language made out of punctuation marks for a joke. Everybody knows it’s a joke. That’s why it’s the exception to every rule. What we’re saying here is, it doesn’t count. And if somebody else decides to be a wise guy and pounces on your statement as being 0.0001% because your rule did not take Brainf*** into account, you can just glare silently at them and invite the whole crowd to join you in doing so, until the wise guy melts and flows down the sewer grating.

Quit worshipping the Aeron. It’s just a chair! A dumb little chair that looks like it’s made out women’s pantyhose and has more levers on it than it needs, priced something like ten times higher than every other chair. Used ruthlessly as a status symbol. Listen, if I need a status symbol to show everybody what a hot shot I am, I’ll pick something that I don’t regularly fart in and spill coffee on. You know what I sit on when I code? A wooden produce crate! Yeah, I dig them out of the garbage, still smelling like lettuce and pomegranates, and squat on them in front of my computer, and then I’m so involved in coding that I don’t notice the splinters digging into my hind end. And I laugh at the people lining up for the Aeron chairs.

Enough tiny little baby gadgets. Awww, lookie the cute widdle Chumby! Isn’t it cute? And these chick little GPS things, aren’t they hip? And look, this dinky little black box detects wifi signals, isn’t that the bomb? Wait, no, it isn’t! What all of these tiny gadgets are are pieces of cell phones without the rest of the phone!

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