New Rules – Spring 2010 Edition

Posted by: Rea Maor In: Humor - Saturday, May 22nd, 2010

Aw, man, the web has fallen into shambles! Apple and Adobe and Google are all spitballing each other like a bunch of ADHD teens in the “special” class, nobody can figure out where their alliances lie anymore, and everybody these days just follows 4chan and Twitter around like a lost puppy asking “whither go our motivation?”, and if we have to read one more story about Facebook stealing our birth certificates, we’re going to join the Amish. Come on, Internet, keep it together! It’s only one spring!

80s bunch

NEW RULE: Nostalgia for the ’80s and ’90s sucks.

We know that all you kids are just amazed at this shiny Interwebz toy your parents gave you, but God, you don’t have to dig through the garbage pulling out every crappy diaper your parents changed and get a buzz off the snort. The ’80s and ’90s really aren’t all that worth remembering. They were a self-conscious pop playground where they knew that all the crap the media was churning out would come back around in 20 years. So they didn’t care. They just invented any kind of crazy crap they felt like and called it “culture.” Yes, we’re sorry that you grew up in a sucky couple of decades. Just rise above it.

blowing ronald

NEW RULE: We know McDonald’s is played out. So is your mockery.

The web is lousy with these shots of people mugging with Ronald McDonald statues. Yes, very funny, but enough already. You know, as much as we see people in every country complaining about McDonald’s, it’s not like they don’t line up around the block to eat there. They’re a big powerful franchise, but they obviously got that way by giving people what they want. If what they want is greasy, rancid dead cow served on baked monosodium glutamate with a handful of whatever veggies they have on hand served after four hours of wilting under a heatlamp, then they have no right to complain when their heart goes off like a burst balloon at age 45.

canned unicorn

NEW RULE: The Internet cannot celebrate April Fool’s Day any more.

Pictured above: the funniest joke posted on April 1st, 2010. That got onto Boing Boing. Candy sprinkles and cat food Photoshot together with a bogus label. Even Google fell flat. Quick, name the joke that Google did for April Fool’s Day 2010? Ha, can’t remember, can you? The Internet has drained its imagination out, and now nothing’s funny April 1st because everybody expects everything to be funny every year. The concept here is called “trying too hard” and it’s just how great comediennes fail all the time.

Doomed to Obscurity brothers

NEW RULE: Everybody has to quit ignoring “Doomed to Obscurity.”

This is going to come as a complete shock to you, but did you know that there are webcomics that AREN’T XKCD??? We’ll give you a minute. Are you dizzy from the shock? Do you need to lie down? We know, it’s a thundering revelation, but in fact there’s webcomics out there that were established since before Randal Munroe was potty-trained, including Girl Genius, User-Friendly, Megatokyo, and Penny Arcade. And if you loved those, you’ll find Doomed to Obscurity to be fiendishly brilliant. It has the Time Cube, the Island of Lost Internet Memes, the Cult of the Dead Cow, Ron Paul as a flying superhero, a Goth couple named Mel and Collie, pot-smokin’ brothers, and Consumer Cow. In 20 years, Internet history is going to look back on this webcomic the way music histories look back at the Velvet Underground. We never realize the genius we have amongst us until it’s too late. But it’s not XKCD. You have to get past that, Internet,

foreign relations

NEW RULE: We must quit pretending that US interest in the Middle East amounts to anything more than this.

America is a slut. It is an easily used slut, addicted to oil, willing to do anything for its next delicious hit of sweet, sweet crack – we mean oil. Seriously, you can control the world’s most powerful nation simply by dangling a barrel of oil in front of its nose and leading it around. The US will never develop alternative energy, global warming, or why it bothered finding the Internet. It is the epitome of backwards-ignorant savage hicks who can barely read anymore, so let’s just stop taking the US seriously and treat it like the sore-infested crack whore it is. Americans don’t even read anymore, they don’t even teach it in the schools any more, they don’t even have schools, they have squatter houses with “SCHK00L! LOL!” painted over the door. Somalia could kick its ass intellectually. The sooner we put the little baby in a playpen, the sooner the rest of us can get back to attending to grown-up business. How about we distract it again? Tell it to go look for Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq again.

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