Pirates Aren’t Nearly As Cool As They Used To Be

Posted by: Rea Maor In: Internet and SEO - Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

Why, I can remember when pirates kicked ass. From The Curse Of The Black Pearl to Captain Hook from Peter Pan to The Pirates of Penzance, pirates have been the magnificent bastards of fame and legend, able to hold their own against zombies and ninjas. After all, whenever somebody hacks your website, what do they leave as a calling card?

hacked by a pirate

That’s right, the skull-and-crossbones, because the idea of somebody hacking up a PHP XSS exploit while typing with a hook for a hand is scary.

What’s the best we can do for pirates these days? Well, we have Somalia, and what is this? This skinny kid who breaks down crying in court when they tell him that they called his mommy? That’s not a bad guy! What kind of villain is this? He looks like he belongs on MySpace with photos of him posing in front of his weekly hotel room while he fans out his money and tries to look gangsta.

It’s even turning out that the Somali pirates aren’t even the bad guys. A better question would be “What the hell are all these ships doing in Somalia to begin with?” Oh, it turns out that the ships of other nations are fishing off the Somali coast and dumping nuclear waste there – so next time you open a can of tuna and it glows green, you know where it came from. Anyway, this makes the “pirates” seem less like buccaneers and more like ragtag beach bums going out in their rowboats to chase the tankers away. Which is pretty much all the navy you get in Somalia.

So we come down to the Pirate Bay. Forget the doubloons and cannons, it’s all about ripping the latest Hannah Montana album to share with your geek mates. Oh, and they’re Swedish. When’s the last time you met a bad-ass Swede? Never that I can recall, but they do lay out a mean buffet, so much so that the world calls any buffet a Smörgåsbord.

Anyway, the Pirate Bay website found its sails clipped when the site’s owners got convicted of… well… being pirates. They’re getting fined $3.6 million and sentenced to a year… you get this in the United States for driving without insurance.

And how did they get this conviction? Did the Swedes, fed up with this brazen swashbuckling going on, rise up in a village mod with pitchforks and torches to storm the bay? No, it turns out the damn judge was bought, and so they’re going to have to have a new trial. As for the Swedes, far from being outraged, they have the Pirate Party, which is supporting copyright law reform and is coming out in support of the Pirate Bay. They’re growing bigger than ever, but still…

Bah! This isn’t swashbuckling! There should be more swash and less buckling! Real pirates fight with cannons and swords! I want to see peg legs, eyepatches, and parrots squawking about pieces of eight. More rum and wenches and less lawyers and lobbies, please!

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