It’s time to play our favorite game: “geek analogy”. Where we take a category of objects in a class known to geeks and make up hysterically funny comparisons to a set of real-world objects. Today, I’d like to talk about what animal each of the programming languages would be if they were occupants of a zoo.

C is a dog – it’s smart enough to know all of the old tricks and it’s your old, faithful friend.

Python is a cat – it knows the same tricks, but it’s smart enough not to do them, and it makes you its old, faithful friend.

Ruby is a peacock – proud and beautiful, but don’t ask it to pick up anything heavy.

Perl is an ox – does all the heavy work, but nobody hangs around for a second look.

PHP is a hog – it will make you fat and rich if you take care of it, but God, it stinks.

Lisp is a snake – when you first see it, you think it must be missing some of the parts it needs to work.

Tcl is a bat – it’s thriving and ubiquitous, but always hidden so you think it’s rare.

Java is a platypus – it seems to do OK for itself, but you can’t help but look at it and wonder, “was somebody stoned when they put this together?”

BASIC is a cockroach – just when you think you have it stamped out, it comes back.

Bash is bacteria – you never, ever give it any thought, but if it all disappeared, all life would vanish with it.

C# is an Asian palm civet – known for eating Java beans and excreting very expensive coffee.

C++ is an elephant – it can do the work alright, but you’d better get the heck out of its way.

Javascript is a monkey – Capable in many areas, but it’s also clever enough that you have to watch it so it doesn’t get into mischief.

Of course, I’ve left some out. And why should I strive to cover every language when there’s hordes of commenters just aching to show me how witty they are?

Other “geek analogy” games already well-documented:

“If Operating Systems Were Beers“

“What if Operating Systems Were Airlines?“

“If programming languages were cars…“

“If programming languages were women, who would they be?“

“If a programming language was a boat“

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