Stupid Answers to Smart Questions

Posted by: Rea Maor In: Computers and Technology - Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007

I have a new project I’d like to tell you all about. I’m going to volunteer to be cryogenically frozen and suspended in a time capsule, set to be thawed 1000 years from now so I can explain the IT industry to the scientists who will thaw me out, then. Also, I will have to explain what I was doing with Jessica Alba in there. Well, maybe I won’t have to explain that much…

I have a little while before I enter the carbonite chamber, so I’m studying so that I’ll be ready for the questions they’ll have in mind when they sift through the data on our dusty servers. They’ll probably want to know:

Was the whole Internet invented just for selling Viagra? – Well, actually, no. Originally, the Internet was invented so that egghead physics professors could send each other their theorems. (And to hack each other: “I’m 1n Y0r cl4SR00m, DiSPr00V1N YR T|-|30r3MZ! P0WN3D!”) Next, the Internet was discovered by Useless Government Bureaucrats. “At last!”, exclaimed the Useless Government Bureaucrats, “We finally have a new way to waste time!” Then, for reasons which nobody could explain, it suddenly mutated into a million AOL home pages with animated GIF backgrounds playing MIDI music on an endless loop and snowing little Javascript snowflakes.

The only possible explanation that anybody could come up with is that the Internet had taken drugs. So, if drugs made the Internet happy, we had to invent a special pill just for the Internet, and that’s how we got Viagra.

So, what was Internet commerce based on? – Oh, definitely Viagra. The goal of our civilization became to sell Viagra to everyone. Women would return the pills with a note, “I tried rubbing these on for an hour and they didn’t do anything.” but that didn’t stop us. We sold Viagra to dogs and cats. And birds and bees. And trees and rocks. Notice how straight and firm the trees grow? We did that.

But… but… we found evidence of online businesses which appeared to have nothing to do with Viagra! – So, you bought a book of haiku poetry on Amazon? Amazon is running ads. If you click the ad, say for music, you’ll go to a music site that’s running more ads, for instance CD players and instrument stores. That site’s ads will eventually lead you to web page after web page, until finally you will come to the Viagra page, where the ads will stop, because you found the page that’s the whole point of Internet commerce.

What did you do with all the Viagra pills? – We ate them. In a big bowl with raisins, milk, and lots of sugar.

How did this lead to the rise of Open Source Software? – Thanks to having so little blood left in our Viagra system, programmers for the first time in history became interested in something besides programming. They were more interested in sex, although they still didn’t lose interest in Dungeons and Dragons, and so they tried to combine that with sex, which is how we got furries. Anyway, with no time left to code, they discovered that they could easily just start the first few lines of a program (say, “#include” and “#define”, but not too many), label it Beta, slap a GPL license on it, and turn it loose so that somebody else could code it while the programmer was busy getting into his furry costume. But then after a while, everybody else was too busy to program too, even if it was under a BSD license, and so civilization collapsed.

How come you didn’t have any Viagra with you when we thawed you? – I was already frozen solid and I had Jessica Alba stuck to me. Duh!


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2 Responses to “Stupid Answers to Smart Questions”

  1. Bull3t Says:

    Haha, brilliant post! Going to be adding that to my weekly roundup this week, on my blog (http://blog.bull3t.me.uk/).

  2. Bull3t's Blog Says:

    Weekly Roundup issue 1…

    Hopefully, from now on I am going to be publishing a post which links to other blogs and/or blog posts that I found interesting. This is one of the many new ways in which I am trying to increase the number of visitors I get to my blog. Anything that I …

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