The 10 “Geek” Movies That Should Never Have Been: part 2

Posted by: Rea Maor In: Misc - Thursday, August 23rd, 2007

Continued from part 1…

#6. Independence Day – Deserves special mention for (a) having Jeff Goldblum as a geek in it – arrest him now before he does it again! – and (b) the aforementioned Jeff makes a computer virus on his Hack – oops, his MACintosh and uploads it to the alien’s computers. Sure, in a world where you can’t listen to a song made for Microsoft’s Zune on your iPod or read a Unix file on Windows, this makes tons of sense, doesn’t it?

#7. Enemy of the State – Nothing would be wrong with this movie, if The Conversation didn’t exist. But since the Conversation does, indeed, exist, Enemy of the State is stuck forever being a blatant rip-off of the concept from an unrecognized timeless classic, with a far less talented crew, bigger budget, and a not nearly as interesting story.

#8. Mission Impossible – Yeah, sure, that’s what real-life cyber-espionage is like. Uh huh. Beyond the scene where Tom Cruise does his Spiderman impression in the movie’s signature scene, the rest of the movie requires a pound of cocaine to stay awake through. Blah, blah blah, bang! bang! blah, blah, blah, Boom! blah blah. The original TV series is too good to even be associated with this movie.

#9. Good Will Hunting – Yes, Robin Williams is actually acting in this movie, and the characters and script do have some saving graces. But sit through it all, and you come away with the feeling that the whole cloying, sugar-coated mess was just a sticky Hallmark card instead of a movie. Yes, it turns out that intelligent geeks are all misunderstood geniuses who are tortured on the inside. Ignore them when they express angst at becoming Borgs for the soulless establishment; they’re just being sourpusses. It turns out that all they need is wuv, wuv, wuv. Wuv is all they need.

#10. Antitrust – Oh, if only it were that easy! There is indeed a few good thrillers to be spun out of the world of software startups, if only we could get a script written by somebody who actually knew thing one about them. As it is, this movie is not so much one of those as it is Cruel Intentions done with computers. Sexy young things get into an office kitten-fight. Throw in some geek references, but be sure to wink at the audience and roll your eyes and mug for the camera every single time, so everybody knows how cute you are for doing it! Oh, and we were too lazy to write our own story, so we lifted it from current headlines in the hopes that media sensationalism of the current events would bleed over into making our movie popular.

In conclusion: May I present an open letter to Hollywood?

Dear Hollywood:

We are computer users. Nothing more. We are not freaks, aliens, punk rockers, closeted shut-ins, autistic psychopaths, slobbering perverts, or 1950’s-style Poindexters in pocket protectors and beanie caps. We go on the Internet. You, know, the Internet??? That thing that’s like a telephone, only for computers?

Look out your window. It is 2007! Computers are not shaped like the guts of the starship Enterprise, nor do they project green holograms into the air, nor do they talk like C-3PO, nor do they take an inhuman circus freak to use. They’re these ordinary little box things with mice and keyboards attached and they have very ordinary TV-set-shaped monitors which display mostly text and pictures. They are used by ordinary, normal people. Take a stroll through your office, a library with Internet access, or an Internet cafe – that’s what interactions between humans and computers look like.

Every time you try to make The Matrix out of every frame of film with a computer in it, you are deliberately alienating your audience. You are telling the moms, programmers, web designers, kids, secretaries, and managers who use computers every day that they are all 15-year-old skateboard punks with green mohawks and pierced nipples with dangling suicide chains, all of whom speak fluid hexadecimal, have the personality of Rain Man, and can hack into the CIA by whistling 1600 baud into their mouse.

We are not a member of the Village People. Please stop treating us like stereotyped freaks, hire a person who has actually used a computer, and try to have a go at presenting these perfectly everyday machines, which have been in general public usage for half a century now, as something besides fringe-bordering science fiction.

Thank you.

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6 Responses to “The 10 “Geek” Movies That Should Never Have Been: part 2”

  1. The 10 “Geek” Movies That Should Never Have Been | Geeks and Technology - Linux Windows Unix system and Making money online Says:

    […] On to Part 2… […]

  2. Rob O. Says:

    I can’t believe you omitted “Swordfish” from this list!! Aside from the “exploding ball-bearing vest” scene, this movie was pure tripe!

    Just in case you decide to do a counterpoint post of geek movies that were worthy of having been made, let me seed the list with a great starter flick: Gattaca.

  3. Rea Maor Says:

    Thats a good idea, i’ve been out of topics anyway 🙂

  4. Kendra Says:

    Rea Maoer, what country are you from? If the U.S what state? (Unrelated)

    💡 Have you done any blogs with mind as computer? Mental coding and the Cambridge Olympics? Aren’t geeks interested in that sort of stuff too?How do you do that kind of stuff? I’ve read a bit on it, but I really want to get some personal feedback. What I’ve tried of it is pretty interesting, but it still may be a waste of time. It hasn’t helped me with my college work… 😆 😳 It’s really just quick memorization. I could probably use it to download a lot of pi, though. What do you think about that? What’s the record for pi memorization? It’s worth mentioning. Please blog about it!

    P.S. I think I might be a geek, but I’m not sure. I’m interested in anything involving thought and knowledge, but I also take interpersonal interaction where I can get it. I’m a bit closeted, though. Life revolves around my studies and the internet, usually.

    P.P.S Please do not “re-mail” me.

  5. MeanDean Says:

    You missed what is possibly the original “Computers Will Destroy Us All” movie: ‘Desk Set’, a Hepburn/Tracy vehicle from ca. 1955. Katherine Hepburn runs the research dept. for a TV network. Spencer Tracy arrives to install a computer (named ENERAC, get it?) which is feared to eliminate the department.

    Unintentionally entertaining bits:
    1) Despite being run by tubes and the size of a motor home, the computer is installed in the middle of the office with no cooling ducts visible.
    2) The query abilities of this thing are amazing: type in a question in the form of a phrase and it spits out an answer! Now we know where ‘Ask Jeeves’ got the idea from.
    3) Spencer Tracy hit on aspects of Geek stereotype years ahead of his time. His socks don’t match, he doesn’t know what day it is, and is unconcerned about others’ reactions to his odd behavior.

  6. Sav Says:

    I have to disagree with you on Hackers. Although the technical aspects were total bull, half the cast couldn’t act, the storyline was almost non existent…….. wait it was a crap movie but for some reason I really like it…. must be the soundtrack….. never mind.

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