The Five Worst Cults On The Internet

Posted by: Rea Maor In: Internet and SEO - Friday, June 13th, 2008

The biggest let-down of the Information Age is that it didn’t lead to as much enlightenment as we’d hoped. Yes, the Internet is the fastest way to transmit knowledge, but it’s even better at transmitting bullshit. When too many people believe the same bullshit, a cult forms, and then you have this little pocket of society going forward which segregates itself from the rest of the comparatively saner world.

Most of these are harmless enough – go ahead and believe in a flat Earth or Loch Ness lizards, that’s fine by me. But some cults get so large, loud, and obnoxious that you start to wish for a nuke-it-from-orbit dose of napalm. Here, the worst of them all:

Xenu

Scientology The big show is over, guys! We all now know that Scientology is a big money scam by a failed science fiction writer based on loony space stuff. The Wikileaks website alone has like dozens of documents about what a foaming-insane bunch of whackos Scientology is and how they keep trying to be Big Brother and control all the information out there. Give it up, Scientology! Everybody hates you!

the masks

The Stupid Mask Cult But the last link of the last paragraph reminds me of a new cult just forming. If I got my wish to burn Scientologists at the stake, I’d use these bozos for the kindling. I’m talking about the (Ron Paul/ Ayn Rand/ Guy Fawkes/ Alan Moore) cult. Whatever it is, they’re running around in these stupid “V for Vendetta” masks, all showing the world what radical anti-establishment free thinkers they are by basing their life philosophy on an obscure comic book and buying a mask off the shelf at Walmart.

Not one of them is older than 17, and they are all white, American, middle-class, the children of upper-class parents, retarded, speed typists, and masturbating at least 8 times per day. For your information, Ayn Rand was a herion addict in drag, Guy Fawkes is a myth, Ron Paul is Marshall Applewhite with a new agent, and Alan Moore is L. Ron Hubbard without the artistic skill. You aren’t fooling anybody by protesting Scientology (because you hate competition?) either; you’re two pots calling each other’s kettles black. Get out of your disgusting smelly basement and get a job!

the dummians of bore

Duneians and Goreans Speaking of basing your life on bad fiction: first we had the most boring series of junk pulp science fiction novels ever, the Dune series. The fact that the only movie about them was made by certified-weirdo David Lynch and was a box-office disaster should tip you off to how retarded they are. But, not content to celebrate a space opera about a war-torn hellhole of a desert wasteland shaped by the struggle for control of a limited resource (hence romanticizing the wars of the Middle East), the Dune-cult had to splinter off to form the Gor series of even crappier space opera focused on kinky sex.

Together, they’ve gone on with a franchise that has spawned some of the most repugnant novel sequels in history, including Violated Choirboys of Dune, Erectile Dysfunctions of Gor, Chicken Soup for the Kajira’s Soul, Welfare Recipients of Dune, and Men are from Arrakis/ Women Run Away From Us So We Don’t Know Where They’re From. You know, the rest of us manage to get laid without having to create a complete universe of boring-yet-twisted sci-fi mysticism around it.

waaaaaa!

Suicidal Emos The Emos were harmless enough at first. Heck, I’d even be willing to go drinking with them some time, as long as they let me curb-stomp them afterwards to give them something to be ’emo’ about. But then they got so many kids so deep into it, that they actually quit play-cutting themselves and started actually freaking killing themselves. Apparently, somebody Twittered “8*( X” and it got misinterpreted as “now it is time to slash your wrists”. Hey, anybody could make the mistake. Now, can the rest of us try to at least get a second opinion before following orders from the Internet?

not at all a cult

Mormons/LDS Of course, Christ-based religions only monopolized the concept of a power-and-money-grabbing cult several hundred years before L. Ron Hubbard came along, but the Morons Mormons were beginning to settle for owning all the casinos in the world and staying out of the news. But Holy Moses on a Pogo Stick, what the heck is going on in Texas? The same state the U.S. gets its president from, which also gave us the Branch Davidians a while back, now has this big Mormon child sex cult getting busted with hundreds of members in yet another compound. And I’m not kidding about the child sex – I believe it is there in their holy book, Testament of FLDS 1:1 “We’re Baby Rapers. And proud of it!”

So that explains why all the women from the compound are freaky-deformed brainwashed incest survivors with Beevis-and-Butthead foreheads and dressed in Stepford Wife outfits. Since then they’ve been raising hell to get their kids back because the men are getting horny, and as one of the mommies was quoted, “I’ll just die if I don’t get this recipe!” So get off the web, Mormon cult! You’re creeping and grossing everybody out!


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18 Responses to “The Five Worst Cults On The Internet”

  1. Adam W. Says:

    I mean if you want to write a funny or witty story playing on a religion that’s fine. I mean you can say whatever you want.

    But I mean since when has it even been quasi-scholarly in this pursuit to mislabel that which you’re targeting? I guess everyone is pretty lucky that this web site has a traffic rank or 326,707… just think what misguided perceptions people could have if they saw this.

    Maybe in pursuit of a larger viewer base, you can try to be just as funny, but actually include things that aren’t blatantly made up. That is funny, not this.

    (FLDS != LDS)

  2. Skyler L. Says:

    who ever wrote this, SCREW YOU!
    That’s the FLDS you retard! And for another thing you douche bag, Mormons are NOT a cult, it’s a religion you queer. So before you start calling other religions cults, why don’t you get your facts straight you ignorant asshole!

  3. M. Russ Says:

    The definition of “Cult”: The word cult defines a cohesive social group and their devotional beliefs or practices (whether negative, positive or neutral). So as much as I don’t agree with this article SKYLER L. You are way wrong. Christianity could be considered a cult. Catholicism could be considered a cult. Same with Mormans. I don’t have any problem with any of these. We all have our right to believe what we want and express what we want. But if you want to make an educated point, can’t you do it in a more grown-up way there Skyler? Nice language. I can see you are very educated! lol

  4. james Says:

    FLDS does NOT mean LDS. FLDS is a splinter group of the before mentioned LDS and the LDS do NOT recognise the FLDS in any way. Get ur facts straight before writing this crap.

  5. Human Says:

    Mormons definitely are a cult. I’ve never met one that wasn’t slightly braiwashed or at least a bit dull-witted. They’re also one of the most powerful cults I know of in the US, having a great deal of money and enough influence to tear apart anyone or anything that speaks up against them. In short, the people who sent them packing towards Utah in the first place was right-Smith was a lying trickster and completely insane. It’s just too bad so many of them survived and reproduced and that they still exist. I wish it were possible to rectify that without becoming as bad as they are in the process.

  6. Medlin Says:

    The V for Vendetta mask is not a cult. These are members of anti Scientology groups. Do your research/

  7. Taran Says:

    PEOPLE! It’s not that big of a deal if maybe the person who wrote this messed up a little. I’m a freshman and I understand a lot more than most and this guys has his facts pretty damn close. But please, don’t make comments because of my age, I REALLY hate that. I don’t even think it matters. Anything religious scares me most of the time. For example, if someone who calls themselves a “true” Christian they would have to kill most of my family. Along with gays, transvestites, and people who belong to other religions. It’s a bit blunt and I really don’t want to go into a bunch of bible verses and what not, but in the end it’s pretty much true…
    Gosh, you got me ranting again, sorry.
    In the end, this guy really isn’t at fault, you don’t have to curse at him or make fun of him, and like I said before, he’s pretty damn close.

  8. Nicole Says:

    I am LDS, or “Mormon”, and I have some things to say to…
    Original blogger: I was offended you didn’t get your facts straight. Those poligs are NOT LDS, they are FLDS. And they are messed up as messed up can be. Our ward back home had to rescue some of the small boys they were torturing in southern Utah. I am totally against the FLDS church, and they split off from the LDS church a long time ago.

    To Human: Yes, we are a “cult”, but you should get your facts straight on what a “cult” is, too. A.k.a. read M. Russ’s comment above yours. And to the comment that we are brainwashed and stupid, I am also offended. If you even just walked around BYU campus you’d realize we are some of the most studious, smart, and inspired people on earth. I can’t even begin to expound on all the good the LDS people have brought to the areas of academics (ever heard of open heart surgery? Yeah, that came from us), even going so far as to set up the Church Educational System and actually giving people in 3rd world countries a fighting chance to go to college and get degrees. To everything else you said, I am angry you are so close minded. All four sides of my ancestors were pioneers, and they were persecuted for their beliefs and sometimes KILLED for them, in an America that professed to have freedom of religion. Even if you think we are a “bad cult” and you disagree with our beliefs, how could that possibly be right, when we didn’t do anything outside of the Constitution? In addition to all this, I know for a fact that Joseph Smith was completely truthful. I fell away from the church a little in 2009 and wanted to get away from my parent’s “brainwashing”. But I had an amazing spiritual and very personal experience where I literally was given the knowledge that Joseph Smith was a true prophet for God. If you don’t agree, fine. But don’t bash other religions when you know absolutely nothing whatsoever about them. If you had done any research AT ALL from websites that don’t just make up bullcrap, you’d know that, just for one example, we are in every disaster area BEFORE the red cross gets there, to help people rebuild their lives. A church who does that is certainly worthy of everyone’s respect.

    To Taran: You also have no idea what you are talking about. The blogger on this page isn’t even close. And, if he reads this, he will probably delete it because he is a coward.

    If you think you know something about anything without going directly to the source in addition to asking outside sources, you are gravely mistaken. I’m sick of people curious about our church reading these kind of demented blogs. I am not brainwashed and I would appreciate it if all of you check your facts and actually ASK A REAL-LIFE LDS PERSON about his or her beliefs.

  9. ashlie Says:

    Wow. the people who drove Joseph Smith out who claimed to be followers of Christ were the ones who raped the women of the LDS church and tarred and feathered the men and KILLED innocent people who did nothing except choose a religion in which they believe. Why would Joseph Smith die with a book of Mormon in his hand and singing songs about what he believes and knows to be true if it’s all made up?

    Even if someone doesn’t choose to believe what we believe doesn’t mean that it’s corrupt. In fact many would argue that it’s the most wholesome of all religions. Tell me…. what is it that we do that is so cult like? not drinking? not having sex before marriage? not doing drugs? wow…. we’re horrible people!

  10. Jordan Says:

    Excuse me, but ignorance seems to be running rampant in this crazed world. Let me ask all of you who bad-talked Mormons a few questions. Have you ever read their “Book of Mormon”? Have you ever actually LISTENED to one of their conferences? Or are you just blindly going off of what other people pre-conceive? “Latter-Day-Saint” is a WAY OF LIFE. There is NO WAY an educated person can honestly look at the gospel and doctrine of the Mormon Church and not at least respect them for the “cult” they are. Quick fact: Did you know that the Mormons are ALWAYS the first ones on the scene in the cases of natural disaster? ANYWHERE in the world. They even respond before the National Guard!

    The things that were said about the “FLDS” may be true, I don’t know personally, but like it has already been explained, FLDS does NOT equal LDS.

    Anyone who judges a Church like this guy did without even giving the teachings a chance is as he stated, a complete and utter “moron”..

  11. ashlie Says:

    Also the FLDS religion broke off from the mainstream LDS religion when Joseph Smith was murdered. They wanted a relative of his to be the prophet when the mantle was left to Brigham young…. might wanna get some facts straight before you attempt to verbally slaughter something you know nothing about!

  12. Rebecca Says:

    wow…you have published the fact that you know nothing and haven’t taken the time to find out the facts. This is a sad demonstration of ignorance, rage, rudeness and putting your foot in your mouth. What has made you so angry toward the Mormons to assume so much misinformation?

    Yes, you have totally embarassed yourself; but as a Mormon myself, I forgive you! I know you are just misinformed. You are a child of God, and I pray that you will realize the error of your ways.

    Remember that Joy comes from following God’s ways and bringing Christ in your life as your Savior. Start by having faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and then Repent! I will pray that you will soften your heart enough to really find out the truth.

    Unless you have read the scriptures The Holy Bible, The Book of Mormon (a 2nd witness of Christ), and latter-day scriptures, attended our meetings, been in our homes of active righteous members and been involved in our communities by serving and giving to God’s children, you don’t know.

    Spreading lies is Satan’s way and doesn’t bring Joy to your heart. Are you happy? You can feel your unhappiness in your very words, but you can feel my happiness in my very words. Good Luck my fellow child of God; and I pray that you will come back to your Father in Heaven. He awaits your Return.

  13. Barbara Says:

    Since you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about it’s a shame that people like you are allowed to publish on the internet. The polygamists you refer to are NOT a part of the Mormon church. But let me say that I know a great many polygamists and have found them to be very loving, family-centered, hard working people. I don’t believe in what they believe in but I don’t go around bashing them either. Shame on you for being such a bigot. This country was founded for religious tolerance something that you need to remember before you start ranting and raving about a religion or group of people.

  14. Russ Says:

    Matt 7:20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.
    Seems like the LDS church has a great rep on that point.
    Mark 12:31 Lord Jesus gave this Second commandment: Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. (the First being love God).
    Now its up to you–
    WWJD: Love the Mormons, don’t persecute.

  15. Ellie Says:

    This is amusing! Mormons truly are crazy. As are scientologists.

  16. CyanideL Says:

    uh.. That second one is Anonymous, & their in now way a cult. Their just.. well you can’t explain them, their not a group, their not even a political movement, their just.. there. I don’t get you’d get cult out of them. Most of them are MUCH older than 17. Maybe you should check your facts before you go around making assumptions? You know they don’t all go running around in V for Vendetta mask right? I still can’t believe you’d call them a cult… it’ in no way a religion, or even a spoof religion.

  17. bob Says:

    Idiot i am saddened this guy is obviously not awake to the corruption. anonymous is not a cult i am disgusted!

  18. d Says:

    Funny how all the comments are defending Mormons. As far as I’m aware satire does not have to be rigorously ‘correct’. The fact that there’s so many people:

    1) moved to defend the Mormon church, and

    2) obviously missing the whole humour thing

    proves the point that there are way too many of you online attempting to influence people’s ideas (not to mention the straight up abuse.)

    GET A LIFE.

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