The New Rules for Summer 2008

Posted by: Rea Maor In: Humor - Monday, June 23rd, 2008

I thought I could retire new rules, but it looks like that’s not going to happen. There’s too many lost souls out haunting the halls of Web 2.0 needing my wisdom bad. OK everybody, line on the left, one cross each.

dead fox

New Rule: If you’re going for the world download record, keep your servers going!

Before the new release of Firefox 3, there was this huge hype campaign encouraging all of us to download release 3 on the same day to help set a record, which would be worth it’s weight in bragging rights. Well, about an hour and one million downloads later, their servers were Slashdotted, Farked, Redditted, Dugg, toasted, melted, and nerfed. Be careful what you wish for, Mozilla, you just might get it! Now, can we cool down on the marketing long enough for the rest of us to get our updates, please?

New Rule: Associated Press must change its diaper!

What, you barely knew the Associated Press “news” service existed? That goes for anybody else relevant to the modern world. But apparently, the mock-social-news site Drudge Retort, itself a mockery of the net tabloid Drudge Report, got harassed by AP for – *gasp!* – linking to and quoting their precious, holy content! We’re talking about a couple of sentences here. After getting splatted all over the New York Times and roasted by the blogosphere as well as getting caught quoting bloggers themselves, AP hemmed and hawed, but didn’t really back down. Instead they published… a price list:

  • 5-25 words: $ 12.50
  • 26-50 words: $ 17.50
  • 51-100 words: $ 25.00
  • 101-250 words: $ 50.00
  • 251 words and up: $ 100.00

But… hold onto your hats… you can still quote four words from an AP story for free! Goody, goody, gumdrops, four whole words! Or you can quote the full text of any story from the 999,999 other news sources on the Internet, without having the authors get all snotty about it. After all, we would tell you AP’s side of the story to let them defend themselves, but… we can’t legally quote to you what they said. It had something to do with carnal acts involving goats, according to an anonymous source.

woof! woof!

New Rule: Jack Thompson is due for a rabies shot.

The bane of anybody on Earth who has played video games since Pac-Man came out, attorney Jack Thompson is finally getting disbarred, and he’s not going without a fight. A fight so bad, that the judge hearing his case actually dispatched police to his home to tell him to chill the heck out!

Jackie, boy, we’re going to miss you – we’ve all had so much fun with you, but since we won’t have you around to kick around much longer, could you do us a favor? Go out in a blaze of glory, you crusader! Strip naked, cover yourself with napalm, climb to the top of the court building, and light yourself ablaze as you leap off, while clutching two Nazi flags. Or, no, wait, just pack some guns and ammo and storm the courthouse, shooting down judges and clerks – to prove your point that exposure to video games causes violent behavior!

New Rule: Quit pretending that the lack of women in high technology careers is this big mystery.

We hear it over and over again: “Where have all the women gone?” Why aren’t they hacking Python, starting start-ups, administrating servers, partying in World of Warcraft, and staying in IT careers? The answer is simple: women have better things to do. Heck, I lampooned the whole sexual inequality debate myself just recently, but beyond putting up with the boy’s mentality, IT careers offer long hours, small pay, low job stability, frustrating difficulty, and the necessity of inhaling 1000-page manuals every month just to stay even. Gee, why aren’t more women working in the sewage industry?

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