The Six Kinds of Digital Music Fans

Posted by: Rea Maor In: Internet and SEO - Friday, April 16th, 2010

Not only was the 2000s decade the worst in history for music, but the age of digital music – with it’s downloading, BitTorrent-ing, file-streaming, YouTubing, MySpace-ing, and mp3-playing – did not expand our horizons at all! At all! In fact, the music world shrank, and will eventually converge into one big ball of undifferentiated suck.

Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it here, by identifying just six, and six only, types of online digital music fans, and then when we’re done, you won’t be able to think of anybody who doesn’t fit one of these six profiles. Won’t that be fun?

Fake Indie Hipster

Patron band: Neutral Milk Hotel

Proportion of online fans: 40%

Seriously, it is the gospel truth that these people are lying their cold little butts off. They do not listen to ANY music, certainly not the ones they claim to, and the popularity of every band in the Fake Indie Hipster’s playlist is entirely dependent on ghost support from these non-listeners. It’s easy: all you have to do is surf Wikipedia until you come up with a band who’s so obscure, they haven’t even heard of themselves, and then you claim loving eternal devotion for them. That’s how we get Radiohead, White Stripes, Death Cab for Cutie, the Flying Burrito Brothers, the Malted Mildew Tennis Buckets, Honky-Tonk Punk 129, Inspector Whiskey on a Stick, Brunhilda’s Orphan, Exclusive Or Moon Hay, and whatever other tiresome nonexistent bands they want to make up.

Metal Clown

Patron band: Napalm Death

Proportion of online fans: 22%

It is impossible to make fun of the second-largest online music demographic, because the Metal Clowns thought of everything and took it all seriously first. We could make up “Bleed for the Devil”, but whoops, it’s a real Morbid Angel song. We could make up a band called Cannibal Corpse, but dammit, they already have one. We could mock them by calling their genre “deathcore” but what the hell, they already have it. Paint your face like a clown from hell and swing your fake tin-metal axe, you might as well party. Since you’re living, walking woman-repellent, you’re not passing your genes on to another generation anyway.


Patron band: Miley Cyrus

Proportion of online fans: 18%

Of course, these people aren’t attached to any genre or style; instead, the iPoddy just listens to whatever gets advertised the most. And being the most easily-sold demographic, this means they’re all 15-year-old girls. Black-Eyed Peas? Nickelback? Britney Spears? Sure, why not? As long as I get a free download for it from MySpace, I’m pluggin’ that in, baby! What, they’re different genres? What-EVER! Who cares about all that elitist stuff? If you doubt for a moment the power of this chunk of the market, consider that they’re the only reason Lady Gaga exists. Also any band whose name ends in “Boy.”

Nu Mental Illness

Patron band: Slipknot

Proportion of online fans: 11%

Ha ha! You thought you’d escaped until this paragraph! But in fact Nu Mental Illness sums up all of the retarded blended genres put together, be it Insane Clown Posse and their White Trash Army of Juggalos, or Nu-Metal / Grunge left-overs like Korn and Blink-182, or weird original abominations like “crunkcore” with about three fans and two bands who know what the heck it is. They all come together while shopping at Hot Topic and pretending to be invisible, because they wouldn’t be caught dead shopping at Hot Topic.

Europop Robot

Patron band: Goldfrapp

Proportion of online fans: 8%

Let’s hear it for autotuned vocals singing along with a synthesizer! Yeah! As much as we make fun of the Japanese for wanting to have sex with robots, the Europop Robot wants us to be serenaded by one! So we basically have video-game music produced with more RAM. And DJs who pretend they have to have talent to do what they do, as opposed to pushing the ‘next track’ button.

Living Dead Hippie

Patron band: Phish

Proportion of online fans: 1%

One of them learned how to use a computer! So they get to represent the largely dark section of the psychedelic jam band world we are leaving behind, and with it what they call “country music” in America and the rest of the world calls “redneck caterwauling.” We have to admit, this is where all the music talent in the world ended up. Too bad the Living Dead Hippies are all more interested in dressing like Oompa Loompahs in Willy Wonka’s LSD factory and trying to get their sad little swinger group to expand its members enough to sustain actual variety.

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