Why? Why in God’s name do they have to keep trying to make robots that are disturbingly lifelike and yet freaking scary? Why can’t they all be like those cute movie robots in Star Wars or the sweet, cuddly animatronic dancing dolls in Disneyland’s It’s A Small World? Whatever the sick, perverse reasons for these mad scientists to continue to churn out their nightmarish creations, we’re going to freak you out by calling attention to the creepiest attempts at artificial life known yet.
“Oh, are you surprised that I’m a robot? I look just like a human, don’t I?” No, actually, you look like C3PO made a suit out of a DEAD WOMAN! Given a list with a subject like this, you just know that Japan’s gonna dominate it. For some reason, the Japanese are bound and determined to turn into a race of androids, which are slowly replacing real people there. Hang onto your skin, because it has much farther to crawl before we’re done. You’ll look back on Actroid as something fit to babysit the kids before we’re done.
Robot designers have an uncanny knack for finding a way to make any phobia worse. For instance, lots of people are afraid of snakes, and before you can say “Welcome to my nightmare factory!” one robot snake coming right up! It slithers just like the real thing. Doubtless, it breaks free of its pen at night to chase the robot mice around the laboratory.
Just in case anybody’s snickering at us – ha, look at the big wuss quaking in his boots over a little harmless bot! – we’d like to remind you that robots can be scary when they’re big and can kill you, too. Like this robot from the Robocop movie series. Just look how it keeps waking up and shooting the guy full of more and more holes, until he’s so many pounds of bloody hamburger! You’re welcome, stomach!
Now, blow-up dolls are creepy on their own. Sorry, but a semi-realistic synthetic human is overkill for 99.99% of males. Especially when it’s this freaky. But then they have to make it artificially intelligent with a voice box, so it can be a HAL9000 living inside a blow-up doll. The touch that gets you is when you see the video, and they point out that in frigid mode it will actually snap at you. This reminds you of the Twilight Zone episode, the one with the doll that says “my name is Talking Tina – and I’m going to KIIIIILLLL YYYOOOOOUUUU!!!”
Probably the worst part of this thing, besides the creepy realistic movement and the way it can intelligently recover even from a push on ice is the SOUND. It has some kind of gas-powered lawnmower there, so it has this horrible droning buzz. Yep, that’s always the sound that headless monsters make when they chase me through my nightmares! And best of all, they’re demonstrating it on all terrain! So you know that if one was chasing you, it would keep coming over hills, logs, snow, mountains, across rivers, through trees…
OK, that’s it, I have officially pissed my pants in terror over here, just watching that video again. It isn’t just that it’s a disembodied head that spasms and jerks like it just got cut off its body. It isn’t just that its mad-scientist master has to feed it questions so that it can regurgitate the contents of its enslaved mind. No, that wasn’t going far enough. The kicker was to give its voice a mechanical, echoing drone exactly like the voice of the flying saucer alien in a hundred cheesy sci-fi flicks! The only thing we can think of to make it worse is if we take this head and put it on that walking thing in the last example… No! Don’t give them ideas!
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