Today’s Geek Horoscope

Posted by: Rea Maor In: Humor - Friday, July 9th, 2010

Oops, I see I haven’t done the geek horoscope lately, let’s check the star charts and see what’s happening…

Aries When flamers call you “elitist,” “egghead,” “nerd,” “condescending,” or “full of yourself,” just remember that it’s just N00B-rage talking and it’s the only defense the lazy-minded have against those who work to better themselves. Sadly, these people control the world anyway, not you.

Taurus You’re at your peak attractiveness. You’re a sex magnet, putting out pheromones that signal the opposite sex to follow in your wake, and your natural charm even carries over to casual friends who will feel compelled to bend to your will. Too bad you’re staying in all day playing World of Warcraft all by yourself with the shades drawn.

Gemini Your social circle highly values your natural tendency to bluntly state the truth. You’re sought out for your sincere, honest advice. Too bad that people will still hate you after they ask you to tell them what yoiu really think and you do.

Cancer They want you to reboot the server again. It’s their own fault; they were trying to surf porn at work and hosed the system. Lock up your office and take a walk. Tell everyone you have to get a new binary sorter that’s compatible with your ISO-standard router. Go home. Goof off all day. When your boss calls angrily at 9 PM, tell him the system is infected with nthe LiveJasmin popup virus and it’ll take a couple of days to get it back up. That will shut him up! They’ve all seen LiveJasmin.

Leo Even though you have the social skills of a cockroach, others say good things about you behind your back. They say you’re intelligent, dependable, studious, tenacious, and even funny. Unfortunately, what counts is what people say to your face, so no promotion for you, anyway.

Virgo Normally when you say words to the effect that you’d just as soon nuke the whole world and be done with it, you’re just blowing off steam. Not today. Today you really mean it, and your bitter hatred of the muggles has you teetering on the edge of going on a shooting rampage. Luckily, you’re too timid to act on it.

Libra That “girl” you mocked in Quake Tournament last night? Turns out that this one time, she really was a girl, and she’s had a crush on your for weeks and wants you to frag her with your rocket launcher so hard it punches her up against the wall. But you dissed her, so now she’s just spreading Facebook rumors about how you’re queerer than a fruit bat.

Scorpio Today you must clean out your bookmarks. You have piles of crap saved from moments when you didn’t have time to read or watch something, and you damn sure don’t have time to read them now. Half of them are dead links anyway. But you’ll get about ten bookmarks down the list, and then you’ll visit one wondering what the hell you saved it for, and then you’ll get sucked up in this cool site you forgot all about, and the next time you look up, there you are: you’ve lost a whole day aimlessly surfing the web again.

Sagittarius Your life is one big unpredictable Keno cage with balls bouncing off each other, and all you want is some peace and quiet. So you’re going to get it. You’ll take some time off, cancel some appointments, hold your calls, and arrange a sabatical for yourself where you’ll soak in seclusion and solitude, right before it hits you that you in fact thrive on chaos because that’s the only time you get anything done.

Capricorn Yes, your guro manga collection really does bug people out. Yes, your mother does stay up nights worrying about your death metal record collection. Yes, your cosplaying Vegeta at the last comic-con was so over-the-top, even those guys who dress like Klingons and speak the language were creeped out by you. Yes, your last girlfriend really did dump you because she couldn’t stand to hear you babble about your next adventure in writing a Ruby on Rails app. But continue to ride in your comfortable bubble of denial, anyway.

Aquarius What, you don’t know how to write your own L-system fractal in Inkscape? Well, sure, take a night and learn it. What’s that going to hurt? Sure, clutter your brain up with one more geeky pursuit of pointlessly trivial knowledge that couldn’t possibly do you any good and won’t even advance your career. It keeps you out of trouble.

Pisces Suddenly you have this surge of confidence, like you’re ready to clean out your apartment, pay your bills, organize your CDs, sign up for a gym membership, get a tan, go to a movie, and meet other people. But it’s 5:30 AM. Go back to bed and don’t worry; this will pass after you’ve had more sleep. These spontaneous urges to get your life together are just a symptom of your caffeine-addled brain fitfully trying to make sense of your life.


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One Response to “Today’s Geek Horoscope”

  1. Haven S. Says:

    haha Love it man!

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