Top 7 Google Rumors We Haven’t Seen Yet

Posted by: Rea Maor In: Search Engines - Sunday, August 12th, 2007

Why not? We’ve seen everything else possible. Let’s just start these last few rumors and get it all over with.

Google Autopilot – Since we already have Google maps, the next step is to plug it right into our cars. Replace the steering wheel with a keyboard. Just type in the destination and hit “I’m feeling lucky” – the car will pull up the map and follow the little red line to drive you there. Whoops, it’s beta! Screech! Crash!

GMatch – A dating service run through Google’s search technology. Finally, finding your perfect mate is as easy as typing “blonde, rich, no-kids, dogs, no-cats, smoking-OK, jet-ski, fetishes: feathers, balloons” into the little text box. Sponsored links go to escort services.

GCycle – Recycling depots are to be put up by Google in convenient locations. The government has ordered them to do so, since their technology has made so many devices obsolete. Into the hopper go phone books, newspapers, calendars, dictionaries, and calculators. Since the web has made us have no use for paper any more, the paper is recycled back into trees.

GWallet – Google controls everything else, so why not the money supply? Have Google hooked up directly to your bank account, savings, stocks, insurance, and credit cards. It all becomes GMoney. Starting next week, GCycle centers become paper money redemption centers as well.

Google University – Since a college degree can essentially be replaced by 1,000,000 Google searches anyway, why not award credits for every page you’ve read? Clicking a link while searching for anything related to a possible Major automatically registers one point for that Major, provided you spent enough minutes on the page without hitting the ‘back’ button. Soon afterward, 60% of web users earn Doctorate of Sexology degrees.

GTV – Google is getting its own cable network. The show schedule so far includes, “Emeril finds recipes”, “Top Searcher” (a reality game-show), “Spambusters”, “The Price is Right Online”, “The Young and the Leet” (soap opera), “Unsolved Software Documentation Mysteries”, and “Google After Dark” (live porn searches from your TV!). “Today on Top Searcher, Kyle wins immunity while Stan is sent home for using a common keyword without quotes. And the alliance fractures when Clark wins the Pagerank challenge without taking Lee with him. Who will be the next… Top Searcher?”

GDreamer – Why make up your own dreams when you can download YouTube directly to your brain through the new implant? Set up your schedule before you go to sleep at night; see a continuous stream of popular media with almost no ads (yeah, su-u-ure!). Whoops, it’s Beta! Screech! Aneurysm!

There, that takes care of the rest of them. All done!


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