Top Eight Ways To Attention-Whore Social News Sites

Posted by: Rea Maor In: Uncategorized - Sunday, May 9th, 2010

You're in for a stunning revelation, but people lie on the Internet! No, really, OMG I can't believe this, but for realies, people actually lie on the Internet! Yes, they get online and type things that aren't true into little text boxes! We've seen hundreds of instances of these basic ploys. Do you want a bunch of people online to focus on you, you, you for the longest time possible? Well just make up a crock story based on any of the following templates and soak up the love. Because it feels good to have crowds of strangers kiss your feet!

"My little sister drew this, what do you think?"

Out of this list, this one's the newest trick in the book. Basically, you take any creative work, run a couple of Photoslop filters on it, and claim to be related to whoever made it. Make sure your claimed artist is dying of polio/ four years old/ the abused child of alcoholics, etc. You get more attention if the artist is unable to speak for themselves. Act unsure and insecure about the work, giving others the space to rave that this picture of the Mona Lisa (which they can't recognize) with a water-color filter and 5% blur is a harbinger of a future Picasso. Repeat with any sculpture, music, video, magic trick, finger-paint, etc.

"I'm dying of cancer and AIDS, plus my AIDS has cancer. I don't want your sympathy."

Do we really need to explain this one? Bonus points for having it be untreatable, you don't have coverage, quack doctor screwed you over, blah blah blah. Half the time you can collect donations. Psychopaths have been pulling this one for years.

"I'm depressed and life sucks and I'm gonna kill myself, unless you all talk me out of it."

Oooooh, is this one tailor-made for an online forum or what? Whatever you do, remain silent and don't respond, unless the reply rate starts to fall off, in which case fan the fire by posting to say you have a bottle of sleeping pills and you've taken a handful; ask if you should take more.

"Here's a picture of my dear old dead grandma. I just wanted to share."

Any sentimental schmooze will do here. Your grandpa the WW2 veteran, your great aunt who hid Jews from the Nazis in Holland, your third-great-great-cousin who helped slaves escape the plantations, blah blah blah. Use any historical photo you can Google up. Talk about the wonderful deeds of this saint and how much it means for you to be related to them, and you just ran across this picture and its the only photo you have of them.

"Hey, I'm a loose, slutty girl who bangs any man I trip over. Neat, huh?"

Pretending to be female – Internet fame gold since 1992! Use your filthiest imagination here to make your "female" persona sound like it was born from the dirtiest, depraved depths of male lust – which is easy, because it is! Suckers will even remark about how uncannily you can think like a perverted man, while – duh! – never realizing the truth.

"I'm a homeless little waif orphan starving on the streets, who is using the library computer."

Being the star of your own sympathy show is never as effective as claiming to have your sock puppet as the subject, but if the crowd's getting tired of the other tricks, you can trot this one out. Remember to be young – mid-teens is perfect – and you got kicked out of the house by an alcoholic father, mother dead, brother molested you, dog died, and so on. Claim that the kind words you receive today will be your only warmth against the cold streets tonight.

"Give me a million upvotes/comments, and I'll feed this starving African kid."

Ah yes, the hostage gambit. Get the idiots to rally around some charitable cause which they can only contribute to by showering you with attention. Variations are endless: Highest upvote is the one you donate to, you just won a lottery so help you pick a charity, help you help this poor lost puppy by clicking on your website's ads a thousand times, your friend won't donate to help the environment unless you give him some good reasons – you can't think of any. And so on. An interesting note, the more trivial the cause, the more feverish support you'll get. For some reason, collecting some straightforward cause such as for breast cancer or AIDS research doesn't get nearly the support as some wacky scheme like collecting 1000 quotes written with a Sharpie on plastic cups for retarded kids to use as party hats.

"I'm embarking on a voyage to Mars, and I'll probably never see a human face again. Wish me luck?"

Merely declaring that this is people's last chance to pay attention to you causes them to pay attention to you. Of course, don't really claim to be going to Mars itself every time! Make it so you're being deployed to Iraq, joining the foreign legion, having yourself cryogenically frozen, and so on. Always make it sound like a heroic sacrifice you're doing, and you're only asking for the smallest little fanfare.


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