Top Four Minecraft Fans We Could Do Without

Posted by: Rea Maor In: Games - Thursday, September 1st, 2011

We’ve tooted here about Minecraft before, but now Slashdot has discovered it… or maybe become more aware of it. Slashdot examines the question of whether Minecraft could change the gaming industry. While many Slashdotters – disdainful of any game that got popular on some other site first – wave their paws and say ‘bah!’ to the idea, we think it’s just possible that Minecraft will exert some influence over the future of games.

But that’s not what today’s post is about. Today’s post is about the active, vibrant, sparkling, buzzing community of Minecraft players, modders, bloggers, and fans. It’s unprecedented since, well, ever. You’ve never seen an indie game get this much natural grassroots buzz. So it’s inevitable that some of the louder voices in the community are people you just want to strangle to death until they are SILENT.

1. The spoiled, demanding brats.

Apparently, Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory escaped from the screen, cloned herself 10,000 times, and now spends her time posting screeching demands on Notch to code her everything on her wish list and add it to Minecraft. “Natch, make me a unicorn! And a spaceship! I want craftable golden eggs! I wanna ‘nother pony! A pink one!”

Are you tired of it yet? “Nooooootch! Make me a castle and an island and the map from Time Bandits and bubblegum and monkeys and trained seals and a circus and an army and a magic whale! I WANNA PIZZA! IWANTIWANTIWANTIWAAAAAAAAAANT!!!!!!!” This is what happens when you’re a really good programmer. People think you’re the Wizard of Oz and all they have to do is scream loud enough and you’ll make them a miracle.

2. The insufferable, relentless whiners.

Hey, Minecraft, like any game, has some bugs. We can’t think of any computer video game in history that didn’t have a glitch somewhere in the code. Minecraft, furthermore, is Beta (and it was Alpha for a long time), and Indie (for a longer time, it was just one guy making it all by himself). So beyond that, it has a lot of little glitches and quirks. Some of them even add to the game, such as the famous “booster cart” bug.

A reasonable person would expect that once a bug is known, the coding team will deal with it in due time. But insufferable, relentless whiners are not reasonable. You know what’s more fun than standing next to somebody and listening to them whine nonstop at the top of their lungs all day every day knowing there’s nothing you can do about it? Running that same person through a woodchipper, that’s what!

3. Here’s a screenshot of a creeper!

Creepers, creepers, everywhere! Out the door, on the stair! In the mine and in the air! Lots of creepers, so beware! You know, a screenshot of a creeper outside your door was funny the first 570,341,257,601 times you posted it. Nah, wait, we’ll be generous, even up to the 570,562,137,911th screenshot post. Now it’s older than Churchill’s underwear, so can we please stop now?

4. The world’s stupidest YouTube videos.

And you thought American elections could really bring the retards in raving droves on YouTube! Hooo-boy, you haven’t seen anything like the depths of sub-sentient, prehistoric, knuckle-dragging, slobbering Derp-dom until you’ve seen 99% of the Minecraft videos out there.

The Method, as far as we can suss it:

(1) Start filming about one minute before sunset.

(2) Announce your name, your business, your website, your Twitter feed, who you voted for, which church you tithe at, your Facebook page, your MySpace page, your AOL Home page (the list goes on and on like an Academy Award acceptance speech)… repeat your name, website, business, etc. Repeat it.

(3) Now go “Duhhh, duh-hurrr, today we’re going to, ummmmm, uhhhhhh, we’re, uuuuuuhhhh,,,,,weeeeeee’rrrreeeee.” If you’re even done reading that, you’re thinking too fast. Slow down. Pop a Valium, snort some ether, and inhale five bowls of your toughest dank bud and try again. Let me hear that “uuuhhh, uhhhh, uuuuuuuuuuuummmm”. It’s very soothing, like a Buddhist chant. Oh, yeah, fumble around explaining what you’re going to show for the next hour. Be sure not to let people see anything onscreen except you dorking around digging out dirt blocks and putting them back, digging them out and putting them back, digging them out…

(4) Now for the alleged purpose of the video, you go towards the invention or creation or whatever you’re supposed to show us. But it’s pitch-dark now, and you’re too cheap to spare us a single torch, so now we have the big black rectangle of doom to stare at. You’re still going “uuuuuummmm” because your ragged pre-puberty voice is so beautiful!

(5) “Demonstrate” your invention, except when you hit the switch, turn on the lights, move the piston, or whatever, it falls apart / blows up / jams / burns out / kills you / otherwise fails. Whoops, apologize fumblingly, while you dink around and try to replace things, then just give up (total elapsed time by now: a million lifetimes), and tell us how it was supposed to work.

(6) Repeat your name, rank, serial number, goat sex preference, mother’s favorite street corner to pick up johns, and so on. You’re a star!

No, we’re not exaggerating. Every single YouTube video about Minecraft is exactly like this. It’s not even as good as what was just described, actually.

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