Typing Any of These Phrases Is Grounds To Have Your Fingers Amputated

Posted by: Rea Maor In: Internet and SEO - Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

Be it in email, web forums, chat room, text messages, or Twitter, there’s an accumulated list of words and phrases which just set people’s teeth on edge. For years, universities have published an annual banned words list, and now it’s time the Internet caught up.

“Everything happens for a reason.” God, no, really? Hey, if I punch you in the face, that happened for a reason! It was because my fist was moving towards you! Ditto any other bumper-sticker/ Hallmark-card sized philosophy, including “It is what it is,” “It wasn’t meant to be,” and “What goes around comes around.”

Win. Fail. Epic. This. We’re so proud of baby learning first words, but isn’t it time baby was all grown up? Time for baby to use big sentences. The problem with these four words is that a family of cave people could make an entire vocabulary out of them, and that’s exactly what people do online.

Regardless irregardless irregardlessly undisregardlessly… Look, we know when we’re beat. We’re still trying to hammer it into people’s heads when to use “there,” “they’re,” and “their.” Seeing everybody struggle so hard with this root word “regard” and the many extensions… just give up. Find a new word to take its place. You can’t handle “regardless!”

“The [WHATEVER] community…” Suddenly every interest sounds like it has its own weekly meetings and board of directors. The Twitter community, the Apple community, the black community, the terrorist community… Let’s just assign community to the community community and be done with it.

Literally / ironically Ban them! Nobody knows what they mean! Nobody uses them right! Just get rid of them!

“Looks like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays!” In fact, anything from films more than 10 years old should go here. But there are especially times when this is inappropriate. Did you know, if you go to Haiti and visit the quake survivors and go to a widow crying over the graves of her husband and six children and say, “Looks like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays!” it’s legal for her to kill you?

FML It stands for “F*** my life!” Appropriate when you miss a turn and wreck your car, killing your cat who was riding on the windshield, you get out of the car and fall into a pit of poisonous vipers, and as you climb out, a police officer walks up and arrests you for littering, right when you notice you’ve lost your wedding ring in the ruckus. Not appropriate when your only problem is that you have a hangnail.

Begging the question No one, not even Danial Webster himself, has ever used this phrase correctly. People have no idea what it means and don’t want to learn.

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